rabbit hole of judging people including yourself

Judging is what we are always doing. 

I agree. But I feel like there is a trap -- self contradiction here.

Our judging is often comparative. I mean people define themselves based on other aspects of inner self or the outside world. It sounds like it should be totally fine to say "I'm hardworking(something positive)." or think "I'm sperior to others." But these words never describe us completely because of the hidden phases of our negativity. So I mean you'll be trapped by your positivity, which could easily trun into negativity, by defining yourself that way.

Similarly, in a society, by categorizing people based on sexualities, appearances, personalities, and much others, we get stuck to 

stereotypes. So as many others point out, by  defining people as a group of something, even though it seemingly looks fine because we think we can understand those people (including ourselves) better, an opposite thing is true. Then we can accept them only by filtering them firsthand. And then we judge people who don't fit in categories as strange. And people start creating new categories to put them in (even not knowing these filters would force the categorized people to suffer from self contradictions). Vivacious cycles here. 

So I'm inclined to think I'm nothing (p.s. it's similar approach to 無 mu in the Buddhistic meditation), neither positive nor negative, superior nor inferior. It sounds like I stop thinking, but the intention is obvious now. It is to suspend these biases not to fail into a rabbit hole of judging and to sustain a pool of possibilities. And this doesn't mean I try to erase the entity of myself. Rather, I just forcus on its entity. I am here, and my thoughts are here. No judgements on me. And this is how I have identified myself.

Education is considered to teach us categorizing and labeling to some extent, as a research shows that uneducated people do not distinguish daily objects in the same way that educated people do. 

So I would like to say learning not to categorize things would be more important. 

the power of purposes

Sometimes, oddly, people are inclined to sink into the quagmire of addictions on their own. I mean addictions to stuff like drugs, alcohol, Internet, and so on, or I could say addiction to negativity or hopelessness of themselves. I had suffered from this much.

Neither a will, nor a hope, nor a dream may help them out in those situations.

And I think I have just reached my own answer to this.

What is important would be find a purpose and take a small step.

I’d like to mention this is true in the situations where an intuition doesn’t work.

As long as we do this, I realized that we could decrease the possibility to be dragged into that quagmire. Off course, this does not mean you try to get addicted “to avoid the reality”. But here, you don’t even need a will, a vague and insecure thing to sustain yourself.  

We can take the first step like take a walk, read a book, or talk to someone to learn something, have a fresh air, make money, or whatever. And talk to ourselves it’s alright if we are almost on the right track.

In hindsight, we tend to regret of doing something because of the lack of their purposes. And there is a tendency for us to be convinced more easily by purposes to step out of the quagmire we found by ourselves. (Self-justification happens the same way though.)

But, as for the long span of our lives, our habit to find purposes to get something done would help ourselves get out of that tough situations more quickly.

My resolution for departure

Around this time last year, I was moved to tears seeing this video. It was when I gave up studying abroad and started feeling gloomy to think that I had to cram nonsense knowledge to get in Japanese university next year, so the struggle and determination that the girl in the video had made a so strong impression on me when I watched it first time.

東京海上日動 CM 挑戦シリーズ 「背中を押す者・留学」篇 - YouTubehttps://t.co/FfnGxqQaU0

And many people (including even educators) have judged me (introverted, highly sensitive, and shy) as the person who doesn't suit studying in the states stereotypically.

But I just never wanted to give up my dream just because of my personalities and experiences I've ever had.  

My resolution for studying for four years in the States is:

Be a respectable scholar as a person and a researcher (always pursue my sense of wonder, think, and work hard to contribute my passions to what I really value)

I'm currently thinking of doing some researches about consciousness of thinking to observe and change this world, especially in terms of our personal and socail discriminations and biases, from that cognitive perspectives.

Since I did homeschooling, I have longed for the place that offers abundant academic resources (such as labs and professors to explore my inquiries) and peers who I go up the stairs with.

I'm going to depart here in two weeks.

So I will challenge the ego of myself. If things go wrong, I will just need to update my solutions. Be simple (but think uncommonly)!

the moment when biases start to crumble

 "Thinking" is surely one of the most important things in my life.

I would first like to mention my experience. In the middle of the high school, the stress-laden situation at school had made me blind, and eventually I had greatly suffered from the loss of the greatness of myself. Then I asked myself, like what I am, what is the difference between my inner interests/ thoughts and what I had done or maybe what I had been told to do. 

That propelled me to rove through the uncertainty, so I now believe that thinking has a great power to overcome conflicts we have in our lives. Unlike computers, we live our lives by thinking and deciding which way to go even when there is a maze of a lot of conflicts. It is even possible that we have inner conflicts to let ourselves get well informed. (I think this could help me restore a mental balance.)  

Another important aspect is that thinking is capable of using imaginations and speculations. I mean, even though we are usually doing labeling on a regular basis, we are capable of going beyond even what we are thinking.  Actually, we even could create "ourselves" by thinking. Thinking has also the power to dissolve and integrate our identities or perceptions. 

If you feel that unknown biases are preventing you from living fully, this might be a good chance to reconsider your assumptions your are not aware of. 

Further, I think that thinking even wouldn't exist if you could not have consciousness of yourself. While thinking, we assume that we recognize our identities who are thinking and from which thinking emerges.

As I explained above, thinking is deeply connected to my identity. Thinking might create an awkward situation for our identities, but it definitely makes our lives more flexible. So I'd like to emphasize this amazing gift in my life.

Today's topic is kind of serious, but I'm gonna talk about more casual stuff maybe next time.

 See you:)