Follow Curiosity Not Success

I had been studying for exams, grades, contests, awards. I was sick of them.

I had always blamed myself, "I am not enough." I knew this didn't work when I burned out and thought everything in my life was ruined. I completely lost the meaning of my life. I just studied to fill in the gap of my heart. I set the mechanical goals I even didn't feel like achieving and forced myself to just do them while suppressing my emotions or whatever as if this had been the only way I could get better. 

But I found curiosity. That was my last hope. I found that I could study for myself, not for great reasons. Please forgive myself doing that for now. When I was a little kid, I remember that I said: "I want to be a researcher to solve environmental issues." Yea, I remember. You did feel the aim of your life was contributing yourself to a better society, not for yourself. But you know, I'm sorry I realized I can't do that for now. Just living my life sorely for better and better myself to solve everything, I couldn't help asking myself, "why I am living right now?" When I realized, I got really good at being insusceptible to what I really want to do. Giving up the connection to people, my other life dreams, the excitement I felt one day to cross over the ocean, I come to realize that my vulnerability screams. I want to live my life. Follow the faint light of hope I finally found in my life. 

Knowing I easily get tired of huge information because of deep processing and susceptibility, I am still inclined to do the bad habit I once did. So I want to say again. I don't study my interests for great reasons and success. I just want to study in my way, following my curiosity and trying to find the meaning of my life that I once lost.