Promises

I felt like I was in prison. I was urged to write something heavy and dark but I’m trying to not do so here to make this helpful for some of the people reading this post. I need to write this for myself and as a determination to move on to the next stage of my life. 

This is what happened — I have had depression for last five years. I was completely worn out during high school. I was too fatigued to move out from bed for a month. I withdrew from my social life for a couple months. I couldn’t help but dropped out my high school. I couldn’t get rid of my feelings to hurt myself and suicidal thoughts (like feeling like being hit by a car to remove my suffering). I once tried to hung myself to end my stress. I addicted to self-hurting behaviors. I woke up all night and slept during day to soothe my guilty feeling that I couldn’t live like normal people. I believed my life would end if I couldn’t readjust myself to the society somehow. I was so alone. I knew nobody is an expert of life, and counseling or seeing a doctor didn’t help to relieve my sufferings so I kept struggling by myself.

I am still sometimes caught in the depressed state. I become super sensitive to cues of social rejection, and my thoughts go irrational. I become apathetic to everything. It’s hard to get work done. Sometimes telling me that I would die if I couldn’t finish my work is the only way to get things done. This’s what might sometimes make me look deligent and desperate for work.

I’m sometimes exposed to high level of stress that deprive my energy and motivation. I’m sotimes too tired to respond to others’ calling. I sometimes feel like throwing up everything. But I’m still alive. 

I always felt I’m somewhat different from people around me. I didn’t know when this feeling has started. I couldn’t get well with the majority of classmates. I got some neglect or subtle harassment. I acted fine but they hurt my feelings a lot. I still don’t like mingling with a group of high-schooler-minded or narrow minded people who exclude misfits.

Since I read the nonfiction about a girl moving to Finland where she was welcomed and could be herself, I always dreamed of escaping and going to somewhere I finally fit. I studied my second language really hard and did research on the college application system in another country. I’m from homeschooling and wrote one of my recommendation letters by myself. I coped with my mood swings at the same time. It took longer than others and ended up enrolling late, but I could restart my life in another place.

I have struggled for my feeling of isolation and alienation throughout my life. I just didn’t know how to interact with people without feeling obligated, awkward, and embarrassed. I felt like I was always a bystander and out of the circle. I almost gave up being around people. I just didn't know how to express myself and get in the circle and enjoy situations. I lacked a lot of experience of being welcomed by others. I had a really low self-esteem (studying has compensated this). People see my personality as just shyness, but it’s a product of depression, disappointment, discouragement, self-esteem, and the mood and social issues I’ve dealt with. The fact is that I did not take a really low risk of coming up and being acknowledged. But I craved for deep connections with good people. I finally learned how to get to close to people if that is a one-on-one situation. I always wanted to be a part of someone’s life. I was alienating myself from others and even from myself. I might sound like a selfish person talking about my life and how hard it is. But this is sort of selfless selfishness. Instead of thinking all by myself, the more I talk to people, the more I can see myself better and the more likely that I will find a solution. 

I was acting like a non-emotional person. Sometimes that is necessary to hide my emotions and function my life living with a majority of people who don’t suffer. This helps me to force myself to live my life like a robot even to the extent that I feel like I’m someone else. But it’s so true that I’m so vulnerable more than everyone could imagine. I’m so subject to people’s negative emotions. I thought I could give up happy moments in my life in an exchange of my dark feelings. I felt like I was a sensor catching negative emotions inside and around myself. I felt so unsettled to hear about violent insidents and sad news. I tried to reject or ignore them so that they didn't affect my mood. I knew how rough it can be if nobody helps them or nobody just doesn’t notice them. That’s what I went through. I often feel helpless to imagine that there’s always someone suffering somewhere invisible. But I think feeling vulnerable together is one of the best ways to feel connected, and I always have a sincere desire to help people find hope in their life. 

And I couldn't ask for help even for a small thing. I didn’t want to show my clumsiness. I was always acting chill and smart. I don’t know why I was making my life much harder to live.  

When I was a high school student, I was caught up with meta-thinking. Maybe because I wanted to think smarter. I believed that I was a real dumb. During college, I started studying cognitive science. I sometimes feel I need to adjust to other people's way of thinking, but I come to feel like I don't need to be someone else because my thinking is unique. I sometimes suspect if I’m smart enough to understand people’s smartness. But I think it’s such a delight to get to know what it means to be a human born with this wonderful sophisticated mind. The reason for me to live my life would be my mind — the only mind that reveals the deep implications and connections in my way. My curiosity resides on a deeper meanings of my life than just the subjects. 

But I want to remind myself of how hard I am on myself if I imagine I was doing the same things to others. My friends reminded me, keep saying I’m okay, that depression or feeling sad, bad, lonely is NOT okay. I also realized there are two types of coping with hard moments in a life. After acknowledging your feelings and what you suffer from, we need to solve problems practically like seeing specialists, asking for help, starting with small steps. DO SOMETHING LITTLE TO MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER. And sometimes problems can't be solved easily. I will look at the good sides of life and have hope for a better future. Celebrate ourselves and our efforts and create the hood for ourselves to get better and live a happier life. YOUR LIFE IS ALWAYS A CHOICE. These are all the efforts we need to do. There is no need for blaming or hurting ourselves. Once you know how the best of you feels like, all you have to do is seek for that yourself even in the dark. Maybe you can’t change what you have to deal with soon, but your life will be much easier to live with the good habits and the good mindset. 

So I will finish this post with my new premises to myself.

I deserve being around people. I am worth living. I deserve enjoying my life. I can be a part of someone’s day and even the life of someone important. I’m expected. I won't push hard on myself anymore, and I want to be myself to be loved. I love my intellect and wisdom. I will learn that loving myself is never selfish. SUFFERING IS NEVER A PART OF MY LIFE.

P.S. (2/1/2020) 

I’m not the same person as when I was in the dark days any more, but I’m definitely proud of myself having this core of strength I have built over time in my life.